October 3, 2010

My shirt says "Real Captain's Have Mustaches" & that makes me happy. I'm not really the blogging type but I want to be. I'm not really the poetry type either but I'm attempting to do that too. I have a Poem Pal, much like a pen pal but instead of writing letters filled with day to day ramblings we're going to write each other poems instead. He's already done his part, now it's my turn. I haven't written a poem since I was in high school & it seems that once I walked out of those doors I forgot everything that i'd learned during my time there. I even went so far as to Google "Poetry For Dummies".. I know it's not going to be the most difficult thing ever, I just have to work at it. I told my Poem Pal that i'd have it on it's way by tomorrow. I intend to do so.

The saying is "Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game" I know that it's a baseball reference but to me it applies to the whole dating game. A game that I have managed to avoid. This game of avoidance is getting rather lonely though. I let the fear of rejection & fear of abandonment keep me from getting out there & meeting people. I need to change that. I'm not necessarily looking to jump into a relationship but I want to feel special. I want all of that romantic-girly-butterflies-weak-knees stuff.. In order to get that I have to take a step outside of my comfort zone..

At my current job I am constantly surrounded my guys & the majority of our clientèle is male. It's a definite change of pace from my last job where I was constantly surrounded only by women. The only men that ever came in were either husbands or sons & most of the sons were creepy. I enjoy this job more because of the lack of women. There are only 2 other girls on staff & neither of them work as often as I do. I like this especially because when you get a group of women together for an extended amount of time the claws come out. I sure don't miss the cattiness! At the same time, you can't talk to guys about the same things that you can talk to girls about. Lately, my friend C & I have been having girls nights. Nothing fancy, just a relaxing night in. A change to dish about the good stuff & vent about the bad. It's nice have that.

I recently went to the dentist, I should add that it was the first time that I had gone in at least four years. Turns out, neglecting the dentist is a pricey mistake. Although I love my job, it's retail. Retail is retail is retail. No benefits in sight. If I didn't have my parents to help me out in times like this I really don't know what I would do. It really upset me, realizing that my job isn't going to get me anywhere. I mean, logically I knew it. I just hadn't taken a moment in the last couple months that I've had this job to actually think about it. It's also time for change in that regard, I need to go back to school. I have an idea of what I want to do, it's just about putting all the pieces together.

As of December 1, 2010 I am supposed to be moved out of my parents house. I live just over an hour away from my work. Well, if I drove it would be about 25 minutes. Since I rely on transit, things are a bit more difficult. Moving closer to work, is the smart thing to do. That's just a clever excuse. I've always wanted to live closer to the action. The action in this case is Vancouver. Instead of being two buses away from a skytrain I am hoping to be within walking distance of a skytrain. Hoping, hoping. There are still a lot of things to work out & money to be saved but I think we'll be able to do it. :)

I blogged. Mission, accomplished.

Ch-ch-ch-changes.

My mission, shall I choose to accept it is to start blogging every day. Yeah, good luck with that, right? Well, I am actually going to start making a real effort to stick to it. I've been making some positive changes in my life recently. Not super life impacting changes but changes nonetheless. I started going to the gym a couple weeks ago. Who knows, maybe this will end up being super life impacting. I am determined to stick with it this time. Most of the time I am able to just get up & go but other times I need that little extra bit of motivation. Yesterday was one of those times, It took a text from a friend to get me out of bed. A little positive re-enforcement. He was bossy but I appreciate it.

I'm not sure what brought on this mood that i've been in lately. I'm just happy. Perhaps enough time has passed that I feel like it's okay for me to be happy? Who knows. The last couple of years have been fairly dramatic for my family. It seems that we're just getting ourselves back together now.

In other news: water is wet.

Mothers Day

Blogging frustrates me. I often write half a post but delete it before I give myself a chance to finish. I'm not sure why that is really. Perhaps it is my lack of direction in life. I am pretty direction-less at the moment. Fear is holding me back from achieving anything in my life. Fear of the unknown, new experiences, change. Sure, that is no excuse. Everything changes, I just have to suck it up & get on with it, I know this. Like most things, it is easier said than done.

A few months ago, at this point I could say 'many months ago', I somehow managed to pinch my sciatic nerve. It practically immobilized me. Fast forward to today, I am not entirely healed but I am better to the point of not being in constant pain & not having to hold onto the wall in order to get out of bed. Looking back on those torturous months it is hard to believe that I ever went through that. I had a legitimate reason for not working. At this point, that reason is growing weaker & weaker. So weak in fact that it is transparent.

Today is Mothers Day. The second Mothers Day without my Grandma. The first that will actually feel real though. My Grandma passed away on May 4th, 2009 at the age of 90. She lived a long full life & had a family that loved her. If I am half as awesome as she was when I'm 90, I will be happy. She was such an important person in my life. It's actually really hard to think about her not being here with us anymore. I remember the last time I saw her, It was my birthday. She was in the hospital, hooked up to machines. I try not to think of her as she was in the last few months of her life but as she was for all of those special moments before. She was always running around doing a million things at once so being forced to slow down & depend on other people really frustrated her. Knowing that she was in pain still breaks my heart. She never complained though, not once. She was the toughest fucking woman, ever. I miss her, everyday. She was what held our family together, that is definitely evident a year later.

My Grandma being gone is hard on the entire family but especially on my Mom. She had moved in with my Grandma when my Uncle had passed away, even before we knew that my Grandma was sick. They were as close as can be. I can't even imagine what my mom is going through or the loss that she feels. I miss my Grandma terribly but I know that it doesn't compare to the feeling of losing a Mother.

I can't even write about my Grandma without tears welling up. Will that ever change?

Vancouver 2010 Olympics. Go Canada Go!

A week ago I felt rather indifferent towards the Olympics but now I am definitely into it. Not to the extreme of wearing a Canada flag as a cape like some of the people that I have seen but I have watched an extreme amount of Olympic events & I have spent a couple of days downtown. It is hard not to get caught up in the excitement of it. I am proud to be a Canadian. We're great. We cheer when we win & if we don't win they cheer anyway! I also have to add that the weather has been FANTASTIC! Too bad it is the WINTER Olympics. We are supposed to have highs of 10 for the next few days.

Olympic Madness

Vancouver 2010, exciting right? I am not really sure how I feel about the Olympics. I am not against them but I'm not really for them either, kinda indifferent. I do love Vancouver though, A LOT. I was downtown yesterday & it was totally decked out Olympics-style. I saw two things that made me laugh. Pacific Centre as an igloo & a log cabin in front of the Art Gallery (because both of those things are stereotypically 'Canadian', right?) I would like to think that once tourists get to Vancouver they would realize that Canada is not in fact cold/snowy all year round. Well, they could also think that the lack of snow is some sort of freak accident, who knows. I think that it is kinda funny that there is no snow, kinda makes it seem like a bit of a waste. There has been so much money spent on the Olympics already & now they have to pay more money to bring snow in from other places. It is kinda cool being this close to everything though & I am definitely going to take advantage of the free shows in my area.

On Sunday I have a friend coming up from Washington state. I am going to play tourist with her, it should be fun! :) Other peoples excitement usually rubs off on me. It will be fun getting a chance to experience something new & exciting through her.

January 20, 2010

One of the things that I wanted to do more in 2010 was blog more. So far, I haven't been all that great at keeping on top of it. You would think that it wouldn't be a problem though, with the amount of time I spend online. The last few months have definitely been full of suck. I am still in the process of getting better, I feel like I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. I am really excited to be able to get back to having a life. Well, before all of this happened I didn't really have all that much of a life. I worked a crappy job & it took a lot out of me. When I wasn't working I was at home, being lame. It wasn't any way to live, I know that now. I am one of those people that took advantage of my mobility. Then one day, it wasn't mine anymore. Now that I am getting better I am worried about a lot of other things, such as WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE?! I'm twenty-two & I have absolutely no clue what I am going to do with the rest of my life. I should go back to school. I have a lot to think about. A LOT.

Another One Bites The Dust

I was talking to friend last night about my current situation he just laughed & said that he was jealous that I get to stay home all day & watch movies. It's actually not as fun as you'd think. I never thought that something could control my life this much. What sucks even more is that nothing really happened to me, I just woke up one day with a pinched nerve that wouldn't quit. I try to stay as positive about it as much as possible which (after nearly four months of this) gets rather difficult. I have tried many different things, all of which HAVE helped (but only to a certain extent). The pain started in my back (I think it was early September) & has since spread down my left side (currently mostly effecting my butt/thigh area). I have tried acupuncture, massage, cupping, B12 injections & lots of other eastern medicine type stuff. Most recently I had been going to the chiropractor but in the last couple weeks I haven't seen any new progress. I was venting about it on twitter & a twitter friend of mine mentioned that she had dealt with something similar & that she had tried many different things, just like I had. It is nice to have someone to relate to when it comes to this. Makes me feel like i'm not over exaggerating the situation. I know that I'm not and I'm sure that nobody thinks that I am but it is just a little feeling that I get on the rear occasions that I go out with friends & have fun. One of the only things that has kept me sane is those escapes from my house. I am a very social person & being stuck inside away from everything drove me a little crazy. When I do go out I am very drugged up or I drink A LOT to mask the pain. It's a system that hasn't failed me yet but I know that it really isn't healthy & it should come to an end very soon. I have been off my pain killers for the last 2 days, the pain is still there but I know that if I wanted to go out for a walk I would need the pain killers to function properly. This is really no way to live. On Thursday I am going to this new place in White Rock. I am going to try Active Release Techniques, from what I have read it is similar to a chiropractor but deals with soft tissue instead of joint cracking. Here's hoping that it brings positive changes.

Optomism

The other night was a little dramatic, I know. But my 19 year old sister having chest pains scared the crap out of me. It turns out that she has inflamed lungs, probably from when she was sick last month. If she takes it easy and takes anti inflammatories then she should be fine. *sigh of relief*
Today is the day that I start eating healthier. Well, I will just stop eating bad things. I am still in search of that amazing will power that I had a few months ago. It was nice.

Goals for 2010:
- Be healthier
- Don't procrastinate (as much)
- Keep in/get back into contact with old friends
- BE MORE OUTGOING
- Go to more live shows
- Find an amazing job

There are more, I just can't think of them off the top of my head.

I know that i'm young but I am also getting to the stage in my life where all of my friends are either settled, getting married and/or having kids. I personally don't want the marriage/kids thing right now but I wouldn't say no to having a nice man in my life. Kinda hoping 2010 brings that along. I personally think that I have a lot to work on within myself before I get into anything serious but still. I would just like to know what it's like. I am the only 22 year old that I know that has never actually been in a relationship. Sure, I have met some almosts in the past but since the last almost was seeing me & another girl at the same time I have pretty much given up on it. That was last October, and that is sad to admit. I think this year I really just need to put myself out there, get over my insecurites & see what happens. With all of the people out there I am bound to meet someone, right? I don't know what 2010 will bring but I am being more optomistic this year.

Hospitals & Sad Reminders of 2009

I may not always get a long with my younger sister but the thought of her being in excruciating pain & in the hospital definitely made me burst into tears. We are 2 days into 2010 & I was hoping that this year wouldn't be filled with the same things that 2009 was. 2009 felt like a sucker punch in the gut. Sure, there were positive things that happened as well but a few years from now when I look back & think of 2009 I won't remember the small positive things, I will remember how upsetting it was to lose one of the most important people in my life. It has been almost 9 months & I don't think that I will ever get over it.

My sister is 19, 20 in less than 3 weeks. She is not supposed to have chest pains. She also isn't supposed to keep it from us when she does. She doesn't live @ home anymore so it's not like we see her on a regular basis. She was home for Christmas though. I have so many thoughts going through my head right now & there is nobody here to calm me down. *deep breathes*