Blogging frustrates me. I often write half a post but delete it before I give myself a chance to finish. I'm not sure why that is really. Perhaps it is my lack of direction in life. I am pretty direction-less at the moment. Fear is holding me back from achieving anything in my life. Fear of the unknown, new experiences, change. Sure, that is no excuse. Everything changes, I just have to suck it up & get on with it, I know this. Like most things, it is easier said than done.
A few months ago, at this point I could say 'many months ago', I somehow managed to pinch my sciatic nerve. It practically immobilized me. Fast forward to today, I am not entirely healed but I am better to the point of not being in constant pain & not having to hold onto the wall in order to get out of bed. Looking back on those torturous months it is hard to believe that I ever went through that. I had a legitimate reason for not working. At this point, that reason is growing weaker & weaker. So weak in fact that it is transparent.
Today is Mothers Day. The second Mothers Day without my Grandma. The first that will actually feel real though. My Grandma passed away on May 4th, 2009 at the age of 90. She lived a long full life & had a family that loved her. If I am half as awesome as she was when I'm 90, I will be happy. She was such an important person in my life. It's actually really hard to think about her not being here with us anymore. I remember the last time I saw her, It was my birthday. She was in the hospital, hooked up to machines. I try not to think of her as she was in the last few months of her life but as she was for all of those special moments before. She was always running around doing a million things at once so being forced to slow down & depend on other people really frustrated her. Knowing that she was in pain still breaks my heart. She never complained though, not once. She was the toughest fucking woman, ever. I miss her, everyday. She was what held our family together, that is definitely evident a year later.
My Grandma being gone is hard on the entire family but especially on my Mom. She had moved in with my Grandma when my Uncle had passed away, even before we knew that my Grandma was sick. They were as close as can be. I can't even imagine what my mom is going through or the loss that she feels. I miss my Grandma terribly but I know that it doesn't compare to the feeling of losing a Mother.
I can't even write about my Grandma without tears welling up. Will that ever change?
